


The Demons That Haunt You

by Heliosthetroll



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Angst, Character Death, Death, Demon Hunters, Demonstuck, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gen, M/M, Major Character Undeath, Not Really Character Death, Temporary Character Death, canibalism, more tags as added as the story progresses
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-08
Updated: 2018-06-24
Packaged: 2019-05-19 13:15:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 8
Words: 15,188
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14874428
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Heliosthetroll/pseuds/Heliosthetroll
Summary: Dirk and John are friends and Dirk is crushing on John. Then John dies and it's all Dirk's fault.





	1. Death and Rebirth

You still remember that day. The day he died in front of you. How could you ever forget it?

After all, it had been your fault.

You had been walking him home after a hangout session with him and your little brother like you always did, you knowing the full danger and him not leading him to tease you just like always. It was peaceful just like always. Everything was just like always. 

Until it wasn’t.

John had closed his eyes to laugh and you’d let down your guard a little, turning to smile at him rather than staying alert. Your mistake cost John is life. 

Out of nowhere a creature jumped you both, tackling John to the ground. Instantly you recognize it as the thing you hunted for a living. It was a demon. But in the blink of an eye that it took for you to draw your sword to kill the beast it was too late. It had sunk its teeth into John’s neck and ripped a chunk out, killing him within a minute as he bleed out. You stabbed the monster right through but it was too late. You lifted John into your arms as you fell to your knees in his final moments and he mouthed your name as he died, his warmth and spark draining from his eyes before he fell limp. Dead.

You cried for what felt like an eternity. You don’t actually know how long it was until Dave found you. Knowing him it didn’t take him long to get worried about you two so probably no longer than an hour tops. He finds you holding John tightly to your chest and sobbing. You. Sobbing. 

Sobbing over John, the best friend of your little brother. 

John, the kid who was working to become a comedian.

John, the kid who you would now never get to tell that you loved him.

The rest of the next couple of weeks go by in a blur. You don’t know what happens. You just know that John is dead. John is gone and it’s all your fault.

Some time in the third week you get back into the flow, using routine to block out all negative emotions. Things go numb and you don’t feel anything but blankness down to your very core for a good long while. Almost a year to be exact. 

Then it happens.

You see blue eyes in the dark.

Eyes just like his.

Bright blue like the sky mixed with the ocean. Not as dark as the ever consuming ocean but not as bright as the expansive sky either. Sparked with excitement and fun to match the grin he always wore on his face day in and day out. But these ones are sparked with hunger instead of the fun to go with the excitement. Hunger for flesh. For human flesh. For the very flesh you wore on your bones. And the smile was different too. Even in just the brief glimpse you got, even shorter than the look you got of the eyes, you could tell that there was no goofiness in that grin. There is only all-consuming hunger for human flesh.

As soon as you see it it’s gone again.

He’s gone again. 

You don’t even get to point him out to Dave before he’s gone. Maybe you just imagined it? You probably just imagined it. Grief getting to you. Yeah that was it. Just grief. John was gone and dead. Forever.

You ignored it but from then on you saw those same eyes over and over again. He almost seemed to be everywhere you looked. You had heard about that happening at first after a death that impacted a person but after so long? You were beginning to suspect something else was happening even if you hoped and wished with all your might that nothing was happening and you were just imagining things. 

God how you hoped you were just imagining things.

Spoiler alert, you weren’t.

That’s confirmed for you when on a hunt one day he reveals himself to you. Doesn’t attack you, at least not right away, just shows himself to you. Shows you exactly who and what he is. He’s John Egbert. The demon.

You don’t know what to do. What to say. How to react. This is the man of your dreams, right in front of you, having become a demon. Having become a dangerous with no feelings expect the urge to eat. You can’t take it. Your beloved is now your greatest enemy and you can’t take it. You need him and now you can never have him. He’s truly out of your grasp forever. You should just kill him. Do it now and get it over with. But you can’t. Your arm won’t move. Won’t draw your sword to defend yourself or to kill him. You’d say he used magic if you didn’t know that even he couldn’t do that. You can’t bring yourself to move. Can’t even speak

He chuckles at your frozen form. “Heya Dirk. It’s me, John! You remember me don’t you? I mean it was a year ago that I last saw you but you must still recognize me right? Even if I went through a minor makeover?” Now that he’s closer to you you can see that not only his smile and eyes changed. He’s bit taller, only a few inches shorter than you now rather a good head below you. Along with that the small muscle mass he had on his arms from helping his strong and muscular dad carry around cake in his younger years had increased quite a bit. He looked tough and strong. 

And yet he was still thin and slightly scrawny looking. His hair was still the same, messy and as dark as the abyss. He still had buckteeth even if now they were sharp like the rest of his teeth rather than blunt and dull. He still wore glasses to see and his outfit choices hadn’t seemed to change as he wore a blue Ghostbusters t-shirt and tan cargo pants. He was still John but at the same time he wasn’t John. Not anymore. 

You say as much to him, “You’re not John.” He chuckles. “Yes I am Dirk! Don’t you recognize me?” “John died. You aren’t John. You’re a monster in his body.” He frowns at that. “A monster? Me? But Dirk the only reason any of us eat you humans is because we have no other choice you do know that right Dirk? Is that really so bad? To want to survive and quench our ever-present hunger?” You didn’t think you’d ever hear something even close to that ever come from John. Both because of its topic and the serious tone in which he said it and because of the large words, for him at least, that he used. 

“Dirk Bro may have taught you that all demons are evil creatures that want humanity to die but most of us don’t want our food source to go extinct.” He grins. “That would just be stupid! Plus that would mean no more Ghostbusters movies!” 

There was the John you knew and adored.

The dork who loved Ghostbusters movies and Nick Cage just a bit too much sometimes.

There was the John you loved with all of your heart. 

For the first time since you’d gone numb after John’s death you feel something again. The emotions hit you dead on. Relief, fear, worry, love, overwhelming joy, excitement, and sadness. All of it and more hit you straight on with no warning and suddenly there were tears in your eyes behind your shades. John was alive and in there but at the same time he was so different. He was a demon and not the John you remembered. Instead he was a monster.

John’s face contorted into something almost resembling pain and surprise at your outburst of feelings but that couldn’t be. That beast knew what it was doing to you. It was torturing you on purpose, knowing full well how much you had cared for his former self. It had no regret over hurting you. 

“Dirk…” “don’t pretend that you don’t mean it. Don’t pretend that you aren’t doing this on purpose. Don’t pretend you don’t know how I felt. Don’t pretend that you’re him. You are not John anymore.” You growl, tears starting to peek out from under your shades as you speak, angry and hurt. 

He seemed shocked and hurt by your words but that made no sense. He couldn’t be hurt by what you had said. He wasn’t John. He was a monster. A demon. Evil by nature. 

And yet you swore you saw the faintest hint of tears in his eyes before he disappeared, taking his deep frown with him.

You pulled the hood up on your magenta sweatshirt at that and headed home so you could pretend you weren’t hurt and slowly go numb again. 

You didn’t see John for a long time. 

There was no more smiles and eyes in the dark. 

No trace of him for two months. 

Then you found him again while out hunting. 

You had been following the trail of a demon you determined to be new to killing. It had left a lot of evidence of a beast doing the killing and it had left a lot of blood and gore behind as well as the body minus two arms and a leg. Clearly the work of a novice demon. Or at least a clumsy one or over confident one. Your money was on clumsy or novice. He had left enough evidence that you could track them with your eyes closed. You wouldn’t have been surprised if the police would’ve tracked him if you hadn’t cleaned up after him. No one needed to know about demons but the hunters. No need to start a mass panic. 

When you find who was the killer you almost wish you had started a mass panic over the existence of demons instead of following the trail yourself.

It’s John. He’s alone in an abandoned building that was only half built for one reason or another and he’s got blood still on his lips and chin from where he’d attempted to wipe it and missed without realizing. He’s facing you when you come into the room he’s in, sword drawn and at the ready but once again you can’t seem to make a move against him like you would with any other demon you tracked. 

His eyes widen with shock and fear and you’ve seen shock and fear in demons before when you track them but never in John. Shock maybe but fear no. John’s never scared. He’s always optimistic and happy and ready for the next thing and adventure. Never scared. Never terrified with wide eyes staring at you as you try to bring yourself to attack and end the torment for the both of you.

Then he speaks.

“You aren’t killing me.” 

His eyebrows furrow with confusion but he still seems wary of you and is keeping his distance as well as looking prepared to run and/or fight you if needed. You don’t know what to say to him. You don’t know why you aren’t attacking him. You just aren’t and you can’t pinpoint why for the life of you. 

And so you stand there. Silently staring as he stares back at you in confusion.

Then it happens.


	2. The Rose Grows

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dirk seeks out information from a certain relative of his after a strange occurrence.

You feel a wave of pain smash through your skull and you stumble back. You have no clue what could have brought on the pain you just know that it exists, it chose the worst time to exist, and it’s painful as all fuck.

John gains another look of shock that you just barely catch before your eyes fall shut reflexively against the pain. You nearly fall over it hurts so bad and you instinctively reach up to hold your head, only one hand remaining on your sword. Not enough for it to be effective at all.

If John wanted to kill you or escape now was his chance. 

But he didn’t leave.

Nor did he attack.

Instead you hear him speak to Hal like you taught him to if he ever needed to activate Hal and/or get the AIs attention as Hal tended to get distracted and stop focusing on what you were doing unless you were actively requesting things from him. He was constantly and continuously curious and knowledge and power seeking after all. You weren’t expecting it at all when John spoke up. “Hal Dirk is in pain and I don’t know why!” He seemed almost panicked sounding and scared. Scared for you and your safety and health.

Hal’s voice projects through the speakers you recently installed in your shades and John seems surprised to hear your digitized voice enter the air. “Dirk what’s up? Do I need to call Dave or emergency services?” 

You couldn’t let Hal call either of those numbers. If he called for emergency help they might catch John and discover demons were real. And if he called Dave then... someone could get hurt. That someone being Dave himself. John could hurt him. You couldn’t let them get hurt.

You shake your head to try and clear the pain and succeed enough that you can stand straight. You’re pretty sure you can’t move but you can stand and that’s something at least.

Hal also takes your movement to mean he shouldn’t call either number as does John and neither of them seem real happy with that. “Dirk you nearly fell over out of nowhere and you look like you’re in a lot of pain we have to call someone!” “As much as I hate to agree with John here I have to.” “No I’m fine just- fuck. Why do you even care John? You’re a demon now. Why aren’t you just killing me?” John seemed appalled. “Wha- Dirk I would never hurt you much less kill you!” “Oh sure the demon wouldn’t ever kill the hunter because that’s how the world works. Look John, you of all people should know that I don’t have the same blind optimism that you do. So just hurry up and get things over with already.” 

John just stares at you for a long time and his expression is really hard to read. Which is saying something when you’re a Strider and grew up mastering how to read even the smallest details for what they meant. He looks deeply sad and disappointed as well as worried and a little scared from what you can tell but there’s more there that you can’t pick out and it frustrates you to no end.

Finally he speaks up. “Hal, call Dave.” He then turns and leaves and before you can protest Hal has done as John told him to and Dave arrives very quickly afterward. 

The pain is still piercing through your head but you’re almost starting to get used to it as you frown gently, staring at the spot where John had just been standing. Dave arrives and in that same moment the pain subsides and you can think more clearly again. Dave is panicked as expected but you don’t talk much. Hal uses footage from the cameras in your shades he insisted on you putting in so he could see from them when he wanted to help him catch up on what happened and he then relays that information to Dave while you sit there silently. You only speak to reassure him that the pain is gone now and then you head home.

Your mind is whirling with questions so much so that it blocks out the normally almost all consuming self hate mixed with calculations of various things that you always have swirling around in your brain. Why didn’t John kill you? What was that expression of his? Why did he tell Hal to call for help? Why did he help you at all? Why did he care about you? Why was he worried about you? What had that pain been from? Why did it start? Why did it stop?

You had way more questions than answers and you didn’t know what to do about it.

You didn’t know where to even begin to get any of them answered.

Well… 

Maybe you did.

But did you really want to go to her about this? 

You had nowhere else to turn and you needed answers… 

That left you no choice.

You moved over to your computer and sat down, pausing with your fingers over the keyboard as you questioned yourself one more time before sending a message to your younger half sister.

She responded after a few moments to agree to video call with you and then started up said call.

Rose’s room was dark like always, the only light coming from where the sun leaked through her curtains a bit and a few candles she had strewn about her room. The dark purple painted walls with black trim contrasted against the pure white of your own room. You had never had the interest, time, or motivation to paint your walls. She had large books in stacks here and there, many of which you could pick out to be Lovecraftian books. Her ritual bag was still open, showing some of the various materials she used for the activity of hers you the most disapproved of. Talking to and negotiating with demons. While you and your brother hunted them down your half sister had decided she’d rather communicate with them. You didn’t get why but at least it made her a good person to go to for information on demons. Especially information on how their minds worked since Rose was also interested in psychology and especially the psychology of those with twisted minds. If the bag was yet to be tucked away again then she must’ve just finished with a ritual or spell. Another fact to help with this was the open book you could just barely see the edge of from where the camera on her computer pointed.

Rose spoke in her normal formal tone. “You needed me for something Dirk?” “Yeah. I do.” “What might that something be?” “Information.” “Well of course that’s all you ever talk to me for Dirk. I meant what do you need to know?” You can’t help but get a little annoyed at her snarky comment but you can’t leave yet and she knows it. Which would be why she’s smirking at you like the little shit she is. She knows you need her so she’s milking that while she can.

“I would think you would already know Rose. You seem to know every other time.” You say back, trying to reign in as much as possible but unable to keep yourself completely from getting a little sassy with her. “Maybe I do know maybe I don’t.” She returns, her voice just as polite and formal as before even as she’s snarky with you. As retaliation you keep your voice level and blank but have no choice but to give in if you want this to go anywhere at all. “I saw John the demon again today. While I was with him pain went through my skull and brain and I don’t know why. I was wondering if you might have any sort of answer as to what happened, why it happened, and how to prevent it in the future as it gave John the chance to escape.” “Or so you say.” You glare at your sister through your shades and computer screen but you know she gets the message. She only giggles in response.

“To answer you I don’t actually know what could have caused it.” Yeah right. Rose never doesn’t know something and especially not something of this caliber. She’s hiding something from you. But what? And why? You glare at her, narrowing your eyes. She makes no changes to her facial expression nor does she squirm. You didn’t expect her to show any of the normal signs that would allow you to poke her for more information but you had been hoping for something. 

You lean back in your chair before finally giving up on trying to get anything out of her. You know that she can be just as stubborn as Dave if not more so and you don’t want to waste your time trying to crack an indestructible nut.

She smirks before speaking again. “Is that all Dirk? Anything else you want to ask me?”

She’s baiting you. 

You know she is.

But damn it you’re too curious.

“Yeah. It’s about John.” “Oh? What about him?” “He never attacked me once and when I first felt the pain go through me he seemed worried for me and was the one who got Hal to call Dave to get him to come help me. But he’s a demon now. Why would he do that? He can’t actually be worried for me. He’s a demon and I’m a hunter. Why didn’t he just kill me while I was weakened and get it over with?” “That certainly is interesting.” She pauses but you know she’s only pretending to have to think about this. You know she knows that you knew from the moment she started goading you to ask the question that she already knew the answer. She’s just stalling in order to build tension and make you impatient like the dickish author she is. But you wait patiently to get back at her, showing no reaction. 

She gives in eventually and speaks again, “John… Is special Dirk. He always has been really but especially now. He loved you so much that some of that adoration started to take a metaphysical form. It affected the space around him, making the weather change around him, making it calm and peaceful, giving joy to those around him. With his new form he lost a lot of those powers but in exchange retained most of if not all of his humanity. He doesn’t feel remorse for those he kills only because he starves himself to the point that if he doesn’t eat he will die leading to his demon side taking over to make sure he doesn’t die. Half the time he doesn’t even realize he’s eaten. And because he has humanity still in him... He still loves you Dirk. A lot.” 

You stare at her in shock with eyes wide and mouth open a little ways. You quickly shut it though and try to act blank and empty again. “John. In love with me? Yeah right I may have liked him but there is no way he loves me.” Rose just rolls her eyes at you and sighs. “Sure Dirk. When you’re ready to face reality you can speak to me again about this.” She hangs up on you after that and you can’t help but glare at your screen for a second before sighing and going to clear your head with some good old fashioned research.

You spend a good amount of time research as Hal taunts you about being able to know everything in an instant while your ‘inferior human brain’ as to actually read the words first and make an effort to comprehend things instead which you simply roll your eyes at. 

You actually forget everything Rose said for a while. 

For a good long while you forget that John is a demon.

You forget that Rose said John was special. 

You forget that Rose is hiding what caused your pain from you. 

You forget that Rose said John loved you.

And its bliss.


	3. The Third Encounter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dirk sees John again along with two other people.

Eventually you head back out again and manage to continue to ignore everything by hunting more demons, blocking out everything but the present and the things around you. Your brain focuses entirely on it until you see him again. 

This time he doesn’t just appear out of nowhere nor do you end up hunting him. Instead he just walks up to you while you are tracking a demon and are out on the streets. It’s early morning, 4:26 according to Hal, and only a few people are walking on the sidewalk as he comes up to you while you have your hood up. 

You try to act as if you don’t see him but he stands in your way until you are forced to acknowledge him and look up at his face. He looks sad deep down to his core and it sends deep regret and pain into your heart even as you remind yourself that he’s a demon and there is no way he ever loved you much less now. “Dirk I-” You cut him off. “I’m sorry John. I let you die and become this thing and I talked to Rose and she told me some things and I don’t know if I believe her but fuck I’m sorry.” John looks shocked at your sudden burst of rambling apologies and honestly so are you. You hadn’t been planning to say all that at all. 

“Dirk… It’s ok. I’m not mad at you. It wasn’t even your fault.” “Yes it was.” “No it wasn’t Dirk.” He suddenly has a look of determination on his face as he continues. “It was nobody's fault really. I didn’t know demons existed, you were having fun and being happy for once and the demon was super hella fast and attacking in broad daylight, and the demon needed food one way or another so it didn’t have much of a choice.” He shrugs as if that all should’ve been obvious to you and you open your mouth to respond when suddenly you feel a presence suddenly come up behind you and before John can even warn you you’ve turned around to face it, sword drawn and at the ready.

Standing before you isn’t what you had been expecting. 

Not at all.

Instead it’s something much worse.

A Makara.

Kurloz Makara to be exact.

Which meant his little human slave and meat shield Meulin Leijon was nearby. He never went anywhere without her after all. Damn demon.

In fact you hear John give a little squeak of fear and turn just enough to see John facing Meulin behind you while still keeping Kurloz in your vision. Neither seem to be attacking but you can never be too careful with them. Especially with how they’re boxing you in like this.

Kurloz waves to you casually when you focus back on him, still keeping an eye on Meulin and John however. You’re really glad Roxy insisted on teaching you sign language when she learned it for fun a few years back as he signs to you. ‘Hello Dirk. So wonderful to see you again. I see you’ve been busy.’ You growl at him and John looks confused so Kurloz switches over to using his little mind slave to speak for him, her eyes pulsing purple rather than just the dull glow they had held when he had only been controlling her movements.

“You’ve had quite the change in your life haven’t you John. You too Dirk. Losing John to the dark side like you did. Must’ve broken your little heart. Is that why you stopped hunting for weeks? Because you were grieving and missing little old Egbert?” You growl at Kurloz and John turns to look at you, eyes wide with shock. But there’s no time for him to question you before you’re lunging at Kurloz, trying to take advantage of the fact that he has to focus to take over Muelin’s mind enough to speak through her.

You manage to graze him with your blade but only enough to leave a scratch before he moves out of the way, breaking his hold on Meulin a little. Her eyes flicker before returning to purple and she crouches down low into a fighting position. 

John seems terrified but there’s no time to get him out of here like you wish you could.

Kurloz steps back to let Meulin do the work for him and she hisses before lunging at John which you quickly have to push him aside in order to block, allowing her to pin you to the ground. She hisses down at you and you growl back up at her, your sword hand pinned beside you and useless without a two handed grip anyway. She scratches at your face and you wince as her sharpened nails make your face bleed a little.

You twist your body and manage to tip her over allowing you to get back up and in front of John. Just in time two it seems as in doing so you break the eye contact Kurloz was using to attempt to take over John’s mind and make him a slave as well. 

‘All I wanted was to give you some advice.’ He signs at you but you simply growl and charge at him, aiming to slash him across the chest but he gets his slave in the way last second and you have to hold back in order to not hurt her too bad. Just a slight scrape across her front. You can’t hurt Meulin. She’s just a pawn. An innocent human girl who got fooled into thinking this demon was a human male who loved her dearly. That was never true but it wasn’t too late to free her from his bonds. If you could just land a deep enough blow to break his connectration enough for him to be forced to release her or even better yet just straight up kill him she would come to her senses and you wouldn’t have to worry about accidentally hurting her anymore.

John is still scared and shaking behind you and he suddenly gives a yelp as Meulin jumps at you so you dodge to the side on instinct, leading her to be barraling straight at him. You curse yourself and your too fast reflexes and just barely manage to grab her by that fluffy blue tail she always had clipped to her clothing and tug her away just enough that she misses scratching his face by an inch.

She jumps back to her feet, facing you again and the two of you square up and circle each other, glaring into one another’s eyes and growling or hissing at each other. Then John speaks in a weak and shaky voice. “Dirk why are you so mad?” Oh right. He doesn’t know. He’s probably never seen you this pissed before. Even if he watched you on some of your hunts you were mostly apathetic on those not pissed like you were now. Kurloz smirks and signs, ‘Yes Dirk. Why are you so mad at me? I am only trying to give you some advice on what to do about your situation with John.’ You don’t think you’ve ever been happier that John doesn’t know sign language. 

“These fuckers are the one who told the Makara’s dad where to find Bro and how to kill him.” 

Everyone thought Bro had just left you and Dave one day and never come back but that by then you were already so close to eighteen that no one bothered to do anything until you were eighteen and took custody of Dave and raised the both of you from the money Bro left behind as well as the odd job here and there.

None of that was true.

Truth was your older brother had been killed in a hunt gone wrong. He had been tracking a low level demon in order to help train you and Dave in demon hunting so you could follow in his footsteps although you already had all the knowledge and most of the experience you needed at that point and it was really just Dave who still needed to train but you had been brought along anyway. When you’d followed the tracks they’d come to a sudden dead end and Dave had thought he saw something so he’d run off leading you and Bro to chase after him and his recklessness but it had been too late. The head Makara had captured him and was staring you two down with a big grin on his lips and his massive claw positioned to slit Dave’s throat.

Sitting next to him had been Kurloz and Meulin, Meulin already taken over and Kurloz looking quite smug and proud of himself. You had thought those two were your friends but you had been wrong all along. They were just using you to find out how to get rid of their biggest threat, your older brother. Turns out they’d discovered his biggest weakness was you and Dave. Most of the battle was foggy because that was when Kurloz dove into your mind before you had learned to block him out and he forced you to stay still and focused in on him rather than the fighting. When you did come to your senses only Kurloz remained in the room out of the enemy party and he quickly left as well before you could do anything to stop him. 

When you looked around you saw Dave laying on the group scraped up and definitely mentally scarred but otherwise unharmed and just in shock and for that you were thankful. Bro had spent his last breaths insuring one way or another that Dave wasn’t hurt badly or killed. You knew it was his last breaths because you found him just a little ways away from Dave with his own sword stabbed through his chest. 

He was dead.

And just like John’s death it had been all your fault.

You had reached down and pulled the sword out of his chest before leaving his body there, unable to lift both it and Dave although to this day you regret not being able to at least bury him. He had deserved a hero’s send off but instead he got nothing and you hate it. 

And it was all your fault.

And all his fault.

This evil son bitch had told the big one exactly how to murder your brother and now Bro was dead and it was all his fault along with yours. 

And for that you would kill him.


	4. Surprise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone gets a surprise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for this chapter taking longer to come out! I’m on vacation at the moment and haven’t had as much time to write.

Fueled by rage and anger you change course suddenly and quickly charge at Kurloz, catching him off guard enough to land a solid blow across his chest. Meulin’s eyes flicker and she goes limp a bit in response as Kurloz’s face contorts into one of pure rage and he almost seems like he’s going to lunge at you himself before he gets control of himself, makes eye contact with Meulin to easily take her back, and then signs one last thing to you. 

‘All I wanted to say was that you two share the same emotions I do for Meulin. You should embrace that.’ With that he’s gone along with Meulin and you stand there, still in fighting position and filled with rage, breathing just a bit heavier than normal. 

John seems shocked and terrified and he jolts when you give a scream of rage and throw your sword to the side of you where it embeds itself in a wall. He’s never seen you so pissed off before. He’s never seen you mad before period. At least but really mad.

But you can’t help it. For once you can’t contain the utter rage that fills you at the thought that Kurloz Makara had slipped out of your grasp again. He’d gotten away again.

Your face is still bleeding lightly from the four scratch marks Meulin made on your face but you don’t care as you feel it drip down slowly. Some of it sneaks past your shades and almost gets in your eyes but you ignore it. You ignore it as it drips down over your lips too. Finally you’re forced to lift your shades to wipe it a bit to keep it from getting in your eye but the flow is slow and it’s already clotting because of the wound being so small and close to the surface of your skin.

John finally seems to be coming back into focus and having the adrenaline drain from his body as you pace in circles. Eventually you just give another growl and grab your sword from the wall before starting to walk, to where you don’t know. You just felt the need to walk. To be going somewhere and doing something. 

To have a fucking purpose.

You hear John hurry to keep up with you but you don’t give a single fuck anymore. At least not about killing him. You walk for a while before John speaks up. “Um Dirk?” He sounds afraid. Afraid of you. You grunt in response and you can almost feel his frown deepen and body flinch just a bit. “I uh, just was wondering if… I could help you?”

That stops you dead in your tracks. You whip around to face John in surprise and this time you see him flinch a little, thinking your angry at him for suggesting he help you. It pains you to think that he thinks just because you got so angry at Kurloz for what he did that you’re dangerous to him. Even before he never seemed to think of you that way when you were actively saying you were hunting him to kill him for being a demon.

Your body droops at the fear in his face and how tense his body is, him keeping his arms scrunched up to his chest protectively and making himself as small as possible subconsciously. “I… Yeah. Sure John.” You say simply, ashamed of your actions and emotions. Ashamed of how overwhelming angry you allowed yourself to become. 

By some miracle he perks up, smiling almost instantly and bouncing. Seeing him happy makes you feel just a little bit better and you can’t stop a small half grin from coming to your face for a brief moment at the sight.

How he forgave you so quickly you’ll never know.

But for once you don’t care.

Not one little bit. 

You glance around to get your bearings again before storing your sword again and starting to head for home, John following behind you.

When you arrive home and undo the lock on the door you find Dave sitting on the couch, already having finished his hunt seemingly a while ago considering his sword is already on the table in front of him and clean, watching a movie. He turns his head a bit when he hears you enter, eyebrow cocked as he opens his mouth to ask you what held you up until he spots John and his jaw drops to hit the ground and his other eyebrow follows the first one onto his forehead. John giggles beside you at Dave’s surprise and he bounces past you while you stand just beyond the doorway for a bit. 

The door shuts and clicks closed behind you and the electronic lock you installed beeps back to locked as well. John moves over to Dave and wraps his arms around him in a big bro hug as you stuff your hands in your pockets and look away shyly. “I-I… John… you’re… you’re alive.” Dave is speechless for once as John giggles again and pulls away to nod at Dave. “Yep!” “I… holy hell I don’t even know what to say.” John giggles again and even you can’t help but smirk at your younger brother’s speechlessness. It was rare for him to be like this when he rambled so often and for so long if you let him, which you often did to avoid talking yourself, so it was funny to see him glance between you two in shock. 

Finally he seems to regain his talkative nature. “I mean fuck I saw you in that footage Hal showed me but I don’t know I guess it just didn’t click since I hadn’t actually seen you myself but holy shit man you’re actually alive and I can’t believe it. Why didn’t Dirk try to attack you like he claims he tried to the last two times he saw you? What all happened to make this happen?” Dave rambles a bit more but you tune it out and silently leave to your bedroom to let John explain the basics to Dave. Dave’s smart enough to read between the lines and understand what John doesn’t.

So you excuse yourself and go to sit in your computer chair. For a while you just sit there staring into the distance and trying to wrap your head around everything that’s been happening to you recently. But before long you itch to be doing something again and so you take out your sword and clean it of what little blood managed to get on it and then polish it repeatedly. The motion helps you focus even if before long it’s as shiny as it’s going to get. Doing something with yourself feels good as you allow the repetitive motion to take over and your mind to wander and sort through everything at its own pace. 

You zone out so far that when your door opens quietly you aren’t on as high of guard and don’t notice until you hear your floorboard creaks and you jolt to attention, turning around quickly in your sheet and holding your sword in front of you in both hands as you get up in the blink of an eye. You find yourself facing a shocked and a little scared John and you force yourself to relax and drop back down into your chair against your instincts to murder the demon before you and let your left hand drop the sword, keeping it in your right hand just so it doesn’t scrape the floor as it might if you were to drop it completely down. 

John relaxes as he sees you relax. “Sorry Dirk!” He exclaims, reaching up to rub his neck as he apologizes.

Damn this cute innocent boy.

“It’s ok.” You say. “Just startled me is all.” He nods and takes a couple steps towards you shyly. 

Wait.

Shyly?

Since when is John shy?

Since when does John hesitate?

You don’t get much time to dwell on these questions before the moment is gone and he’s bouncing over to you, excited and cheerful again. You almost think you imagined his shyness. Yeah that made sense. Wishful thinking. He wasn’t shy. Just still a little nervous with you being a demon hunter and him being a demon and you having been so rage filled not that long ago against Kurloz and Meulin. 

That was all it was. 

He looks over your workstation where you have a few electronics and metal pieces scattered here and there from half finished projects you work on whenever you’re not out hunting or training. He seems so fascinated with it all and curious that when he asks you to explain what it all is you can’t help but indulge him, telling him about the tracking system you’re working on along with some updates for Sawtooth and Squarewave, the robots you built to help around the house so you and Dave can focus on hunting, and even about the body you’re still designing for Hal upon his unending nagging for it. He actually shuts up to listen to it, nodding along and not making a single comment until you’re completely done. And even then he only asks a few questions before thanking you and asking you if he can use the guest room to sleep and eat in.

Turns out he had only needed to ask that in the first place.

But yet he had asked about your work first.

You weren’t sure what to think of that.

You’d later say it was just because you were trying to figure out the reasoning behind that but you allow John the guest room to eat whatever people he catches as well as get the small amount of rest that demons need in. 

That was Bro’s old room. 

And now you were letting a demon use it.

Letting a demon eat in it.

Letting him bring human flesh in there to eat.

And you weren’t going to attack him.

Weren’t going to kill him.

Human blood would fall on the wood in there to be cleaned up and you weren’t going to do a thing about it. 

Demon blood would no longer be the only kind of blood staining that floor. 

Staining his floor.

Staining Bro’s floor.

And you were just going to let it happen.

All because it was John who was doing it.


	5. Consequences

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dirk tries avoiding things until Dave gets tired of it and then Dirk has to face the music.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woo a nice long chapter to make up for me not updating due to my vacation. Chapters should be out faster again now that I'm back. Sorry for the wait!

Days go by and you spend most of it working on your projects. You don’t even hunt. You tell yourself it’s just because they need to get done but... You know better. Deep down you know that's not the reason. 

The real reason is because of John and because of Kurloz and Meulin. 

The reason is fear.

Kurloz and Meulin because they could still be around and frankly you don’t think Kurloz will allow you to live if you see each other a third time. 

You’re also afraid of the rage he made you feel.

You don’t want to feel that again.

To show that much emotion again. 

Especially not in front of John.

He had been so scared.

Scared of you.

And…

To be honest, you’re scared of him too.

You’re scared of how he reacted to you. You’re scared of the interest he showed in you. You’re scared of how you couldn’t kill him. You’re scared of how you spared him. You’re scared of how you let him stay with you. You’re scared of how he makes you feel. You’re scared of remembering how he used to make you feel. You’re scared of him. Plain and simple you’re scared of him. 

And you don’t know what to do.

And that’s really what terrifies you.

So you do nothing.

But eventually fate demands that you do something.

Dave comes in and leans against your doorway one day and you turn to face him, putting down the motherboard you had been fiddling with in order to focus entirely on him. “What’s up little man?” You ask him. “You gotta get out of this room dude. You’ve spent way too much time in this tiny ass room working on your little projects and you need to get out more. I’m going on a hunt and I want you to come along with me.” You can tell there’s something else that Dave isn’t telling you but you can’t tell what. It puts you off a little but you trust Dave never to put you in harm's way so you shrug and get up, stretching. “Yeah ok maybe hunting would be good.” Yeah no. You’re internally panicking. What if Kurloz showed up while Dave was there? Dave could get hurt. And your rage… What if it scared him too? What if you scared him too? And what about John? Logically this would be the best time for him to betray you two. You want to trust John you really do but you just can’t. At least not when it’s not just a split second decision like letting him stay had been. He’s still a demon. But he’s still John too. 

You leave your room with your little bro only to find John waiting, bouncing on the balls of his feet by the front door. You stop. Dave doesn’t. John looks nervous and he gives you an awkward half smile and a tiny wave. Dave walks right over to the door before opening it and calling back to you. “Oh by the way. John wants to help.” Your nerves get kicked up about twenty million times. But it’s too late to say no.

So you nod and let yourself get led out of your home with John at your heels. You try to ignore the urge to glance behind you every ten seconds to make sure John hasn’t snuck up on you to stab you in the back and you do decently well at it, instead only looking back every five minutes or so as the three of you go for the first group hunt you’ve done in years.

Even so, you can tell John notices you looking back and you can see the sadness it causes in him and you feel terrible. You feel like shit about the fact that you still don’t trust John anymore. Not that you even fully did when he was human. Deep down in the pit of your stomach, you can feel nothing but disappointment in yourself and self-hate runs in brain faster than you can flash step.

You fully and completely hate yourself for treating John like this.

And yet you can’t stop yourself.

Your instincts just won’t allow it.

Your fear just won’t allow it.

And all it does is make you fear him more because what if he decides he’s had enough of you and your distrust? What if he gets mad rather than just continuing to get sadder and sadder? What if he attacks you or Dave?

What if he leaves?

Dave seems to catch on that something is amiss with you two because he gives you a look of, ‘fix this and stop making John sad or else’ at you as he claims to leave to scout ahead while leaving you and John behind to wait for his return. You know that there’s nothing around here to scout out but you also know better than to fight Dave on this right now. He’s stubborn when he wants to be and especially with you since he knows you won’t hurt him like others might.

So you let him go and lean up against a wall silently, trying to come up with something to say to break the silence between you and John that just keeps getting longer and longer until finally John breaks it.

“I’m sorry Dirk.” You turn to him, startled. What was he talking about? Sorry? For what? Before you can ask he continues. “I don’t know what I did and you seemed pretty ok with me when I asked you about your stuff and staying with you guys the other day but you haven’t come out of your room since and even I know that when you get like that sometimes it’s best to just let you work through whatever has you cooped up in there but Dave was right that you need to get sometimes but then you come out and you keep looking back at me as if I might hurt you and you aren’t saying anything and I’m sorry Dirk.” He has to stop only because he needs to breathe and from where you’re looking at him with wide eyes as he stares at the ground, frowning deeply, you can see tears collecting at the edges of his eyes through the glass of his glasses. They’re not falling yet but they’re very close to falling and you can feel your heart shatter as you look at him in shock, unsure what to say.

Before you can figure it out there’s a crash behind you and you turn around, drawing your sword and terrified of what you might find. 

Your fear only increases as you see it and dread turns your blood cold.

It’s Kurloz.

And he’s got Meulin holding Dave hostage with her claws against his throat.

You freeze dead in your tracks as your brain runs wild. You can’t even keep track of half of the whirl of thoughts your panicking conscious is coming up with. All you know is Dave is in danger and you can’t think and all you feel is fear and dread. Kurloz smirks at you as you are unable to hide the distress and fear from breaking out on your face but you don’t see it. All you see is Dave. Dave in danger. Dave with deadly claws pressed to his neck and fear on his face. Your entire world is only Dave and how easily his life could be ended on the whim of one of the evilest demons you have ever come across in your lifetime. One of the deadliest demons to ever exist. One of the demons who takes the most joy from complete and utter fear, chaos, and rage being created in his victims. The one with the most reason to kill Dave right in front of you.

You know he must be signing something at you but you aren’t seeing it. Frankly, you don’t want to see it anyway. 

You’re trying to calm the confusion and chaos happening in your mind to come up with some sort of plan as to how to save your little brother but you just can’t. You can’t pick out anything but fear and worry and stress and panic and everything you know is Dave. Everything is just Dave and the danger he faces.

You’re so blinded by this that you completely forget John exists until he leaps into action.

You sit there like a total idiot as Kurloz is tackled to the ground by a hissing mass of demon named John and scratched across the face. Kurloz had likely assumed John would be just as frozen as you were based on the last time you and him fought but he isn’t. Instead, he’s the one to fight back this time while you stand there, frozen in fear over your brother and awe over his actions. He tears at Kurloz’s face with his nails until he finally pushes him off and in a burst of rage, forgets that Meulin is holding Dave for him and proceeds to order her to attack John, making her drop your brother as to free up her claws for battle. This allows Dave to fall to the ground unharmed as far as you can tell where you manage to rush over to him as he holds his neck with both hands and shakes. 

You turn to look back after confirming that Dave is uninjured and see John fighting back against Meulin but he’s no match for her. She’s been fighting for a lot longer than he has and now that’s he’s lost the element of surprise he’s losing the battle too. She’s landing hit after hit, clawing into his skin but he’s not giving up. He’s making them work for the kill and he’s standing his ground against them. 

He’s distracting them.

He’s protecting you and Dave.

You and the only thing he knows really matters to you.

But in that moment you decide one thing.

He’s wrong.

Dave isn’t the only thing you really care about. 

John is too.

You give Dave one final hug before standing up with your sword again and landing a surprise attack of your own against Kurloz. You slash across his back as he stands silently laughing at John as he’s cut to pieces and when your blow hits he stumbles forward before falling to his knees, not having been expecting your attack as his world had shrunken down to John just as yours had to Dave just moments before. He turns his head to you with a furious glare and mouth looking like he’d be growling if he wasn’t mute. Meulin turns her attention to you which allows John to land another hit and finally you two work together like this, taking turns with their focus on each of you and taking hits in turn as the other attacks until both Kurloz and Meulin are on the ground, battered and sliced open, unable to continue fighting back any longer. You pull Kurloz up by the front of his clothing and hiss out to him, “If you dare attack me or Dave or John again I won’t spare you or your kitty bitch.” Then you throw him back down and turn to a stunned Dave and slightly shocked John, Dave leaning against John a bit as he helps him to his feet because even if Dave isn’t injured doesn’t mean he isn’t really shaken up by his near-death experience. From the look on John’s face, you aren’t the only one to have learned something new about one of your friends today and you don’t know how to feel about that really. So you just go over and take Dave’s other side and help them both get back as you and John bleed and Dave stumbles along between you two. 

Eventually you get back and Dave insists that you and John get fixed up before anything else happens which you reluctantly allow only because you don’t know if John can last with those injuries as long as you know you can. After you both are bandaged and stitched up Dave explains that Meulin and Kurloz had ambushed and double-teamed him, allowing them to take him down with relative ease. You elect not to lecture him after having gotten your own lesson in just how frozen a surprise attack can leave a person that night. After Dave’s story you send him off to bed to rest and recover and he pats your shoulder and gives you a meaningful look that you know means thank you before he leaves.

You sigh and put your face in your hands as soon as your sure he’s out of sight. You don’t know why he was thanking you with that look. You were frozen still when he was in deadly danger. He could’ve died because you couldn’t think straight enough to save him from those two. The real person he had to thank for his life and safety was John, not you.

Speaking of John you seemed to have forgotten his presence once again until he places his hand on your shoulder. You repress an instinctual flinch at the unexpected contact that you are ashamed of and look up at him. He’s giving you the sweetest, kindest smile you’ve ever seen and you practically melt right then and there. “Hey, Dirk?” He says softly. “Yeah John?” You return. “Thanks for not leaving me there with Kurloz and Meulin to die.” “Oh uh yeah course. No problem man. Couldn’t just let you die. You’re Dave’s best bro. You’re my friend too. Even if you are… a little different from how you used to be.” He giggles a little and you can’t help but smile just a bit. “Yeah. Sorry, I didn’t get it at first but I think I understand why you were so cold to me now.” You look away, ashamed of your past actions and he seems to understand and doesn’t say anything more on the topic. Instead he says something else. “Want to watch My Little Pony until we pass out?” You turn back to him, smirking. “Of fucking course I do.”


	6. Falling All Over Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dirk realizes something he subconsciously always knew.

You wake up the next day with John passed out on top of you and your arms wrapped around him as the My Little Pony theme song plays in the background for what you can only imagine to be the millionth time.

You… You feel like there’s nothing wrong with this scene in your heart, the heart that still remembers the old him, the heart that still loves him, but your brain screams that everything about this is wrong. Holding him is wrong. Sleeping with him so close to you is wrong. Having him near you is wrong. Being so open to attack with him is wrong. Him being near you at all is wrong.

But yet it feels so right.

He feels so right.

He saved Dave last night. He fought Kurloz and Meulin while you were frozen in fear over your brother. He protected you and didn’t run away. He saved you.

And…

And you love him.

You really love him.

Slowly John’s eyes blink open and he yawns. He looks so small and adorable and cute as his eyes open half-way and his head shifts from his chubby cheek being pressed against your chest to his chin resting on your chest before he smiles softly up at you sleepily.

Your heart skips a beat.

The yelling of your mind gets louder.

“Morning Dirk.” His words are slurred and sleepy and you didn’t think, couldn’t have imagined, that was even possible for demons as they barely even needed sleep at all but… it’s adorable all the same. It reminds you of the sleepovers he would have with Dave where he’d stumble past the living room to get to the kitchen after both you and Dave had been awake for hours as he rubbed his eyes, his hair even messier than normal. You remember having to duck your head many times and pray he’d be too sleepy to notice your pink cheeks. Even now you can feel your cheeks dust a very pale pink that you quickly will away before, at least you hope before, he can notice. “Mornin’ John.” You reply, forcing your accent to be thicker despite your normal instinct to keep it away, hoping that will give off the illusion of you having just woken up as well instead of having been awake for a while already and sitting there staring at him. You think it works.

John puts his hands beside your sides on the couch and uses the leverage to push up and off of you, allowing himself to fall back and lay against the opposite armrest across from you. You can’t seem to look away from his face and his legs almost seem to have a magnetic connection to yours, you feeling a strong urge to press your legs to his and have that physical contact. Your chest is still warm from where he had been moments before and your arms feel out of place as they come to rest at your side. It feels almost more wrong for him to be so far from you as it did to have him so close to you.

He stretches, his who knows how old shirt riding up on his body and showing just a bit of his belly to you as you glance down at the movement on instinct and for once you have to force yourself to look back up at his face rather than feeling the urge to look anywhere but his cute chubby face.

All of this is almost too much and the day’s only just begun.

You can’t help but think back to the first day you realized you were in love with your little bro’s dorky best friend.

Dave had invited John over to hang out and play video games and just like usual when you had come out of your room to grab some OJ you had ended up plopping down on the couch in between the two to play with them. John was terrible at all of the games you and Dave owned, most of them first-person shooters or fighting games and then Dave’s ironic skateboarding game and the rhythm games he claimed to own ironically that you know he actually loves that he hid whenever John came over. Anyway, because John was so crappy most of the time it boiled down to you and Dave. 

This time had been no different.

At first.

You had been roped into playing Super Smash Bros Brawl with the two idiots and since Dave had already, ironically he swore, taken your main Link, you were left with Marth as your next best character. You didn’t mind too much. You were good with both characters you just preferred Link’s moveset just a bit over Marth’s. Dave switched his coloring over to red and upon some teasing, you switched yours over to orange only to find John hadn’t chosen a character yet. He seemed to have been waiting for you two to notice because as soon as Dave called him out he picked Meta Knight and went for the blue skin. Dave complained that Meta Knight was overpowered but it was easy for John to goad him into letting him choose the guy just by teasing him about Dave not being good enough to take Meta Knight down. The hit to the ego was more than enough for Dave to readily accept the challenge and you had no argument with it in the first place so you let him go.

That had been your first mistake. 

Your second was letting him choose the map.

He picked the Ice Climbers map and neither you nor Dave saw any problem with it at the time.

You should’ve.

From there all it took was some cheap fighting and both you and Dave were down to one life left but so was he.

Then he pulled out his final trick.

He laid down so his legs were over the couch’s armrest and his head rested in your lap.

Usually John moving was normal and only enough to pull Dave’s attention due to him being just a slight bit jumpier than you while you were more observant than him but this time you froze up and couldn’t help but look down at him while his head rested so close to your crotch but his eyes stayed glued on the screen. You could hear Dave complaining in the background about John distracting him and you not backing him up like you usually did until it was the final showdown between the two of you but you weren’t listening. Instead, your focus was on John. He had his tongue sticking out just a bit and a face of determination on along with a smug smirk as all his attention was poured into the match. 

Marth didn’t move an inch as Meta Knight easily knocked him off into oblivion. 

John cheered, arms going up and his face glowing with pure joy as his eyes squeezed shut with excitement and he smiled wide. Then his eyes opened and he grinned proudly at you and you melted into a puddle of goop right then and there. You could feel Dave’s knowing eyes on you but for once you didn’t care what he knew. What he saw. John was all that mattered and right then as he smiled that buck-toothed grin at you you decided you loved John Egbert.

You’re snapped out of your memory/daydream by John literally snapping in front of your face and saying your name. 

You blink and come back into focus to find him in between your legs with one hand in front of your face and the other a few inches from your crotch as he crouched on the couch. He grins as you go, “Huh? Oh sorry. What did you say?” 

He giggles at you and repeats himself. “I said ‘Did you sleep well?’” 

You blush a bit and think back.

Come to think of it you don’t remember waking up in a cold sweat. You don’t remember shivering in your sleep. You don’t remember being afraid at all. For once you didn’t have a nightmare of any sort like you normally always did.

You actually slept well for once.

“Yeah. I slept well.” You feel the urge to say thanks but hold it back and he smiles at you even wider. “Good!” Your heart clenches at the way he’s looking at you so innocently and sweetly. You quickly make up the excuse of work needing to be done and force yourself not to stumble until you are out of sight at which point you very uncharastically practically trip into your bedroom before shutting the door and leaning up against it, one hand over your heart.

You recognize the feeling in it.

It’s the same thing you felt that day.

You still love John Egbert.

You never stopped did you?

No.

You always loved John Egbert.


	7. Him and You and Him

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More bonding in two different ways.

You can’t just shut it out this time. 

You try you really do but John doesn’t allow it.

Almost as if he senses your panic and subconsciously his demon instincts are making him cultivate it he comes into your room every day even as you try to isolate yourself again. You hear him through your door tell Dave it’s because he knows now you weren’t mad at him like he was scared you might’ve been last time but there’s still that tickling in the back of your mind that he knows what he’s doing and he’s doing it on purpose.

The only difference is now your heart won’t let you listen to your brain.

So you let him in. 

You let him talk to you and question you and hang out with you for hours on end even though it hurts.

Even though every logical bit of your mind and body screams that he’s dangerous.

That he’ll hurt you.

You still let him in.

He comes in and asks about your work one day. Asks about the project you’re working on. You tell him that you’ve been working on a way to see the very slight heat differences demons have compared to humans. It’s too small of a difference to feel or see with normal heat goggles so you’ve been trying to create a program you could implant into your shades that would be more precise. Along with that, you’ve been building tiny rat-like robots with surveillance cameras in them so you can keep track of the more heavily trafficked areas and keep an eye out for any demons that go through there. Your last miscellaneous project was something you had been working on for a long time. Since he died actually. It’s a robot. A robot you’ll program to protect Dave once it’s done. You’ve finished most of the body, the only thing missing being the top of his head and a bit of his arms. He’s tall, about two feet taller than you are. His face is purposely cold and unforgiving and when he’s done he’ll be even better at using a sword than you are, maybe even than Bro was, thanks to you programming him with every piece of information that the internet has on the topic. 

John seems the most fascinated with your final project but he comments on each and asks questions too. Out of nowhere he looks to the robot and studies it for a long time, one hand on his hip and the other underneath his chin. You raise your eyebrow at him. “What’s up John?” “Huh? Oh, I’m just trying to figure out what we should name this guy!” You’ve always been one to notice and pay attention to details but still, you’re surprised by just how much your heart clenches at him saying we instead of I. He acts as if you made it together. As if both of you put equal parts of you into it. As if it were your child. Your son. Your son with him.

It hurts and yet feels so good.

“Oh uh, I guess I never really thought about it.” You shrug at him and there’s silence for a couple moments before his eyes light up and he snaps his fingers. “I’ve got it! Sawtooth!” You can’t help but chuckle at the name but then when you look back at your partly finished creation you find that it actually kinda fits. Suits him even. So you go with it.

“Sure why not. It’s ironic.” Or at least that’s your cover story. Really it just feels right. The name John gave him feels right. You smile at the robot, at Sawtooth, and when you turn back to John you find him smiling at you before you avert your eyes shyly and fight back a blush which you fail at just enough for a slight rosy color to show on your cheeks. You pray he doesn’t notice and if he does he doesn’t notice.

After that, you two chat some more about your creations, you explaining their functions and how they work. You’re pretty sure most of it is lost on John but he listens anyway and seems genuinely interested in your work. It’s… nice. Your chest feels warm and your heart flutters. He cares about what you care about. He cares about you. He, John Egbert, cares about you, Dirk Strider. 

It’s a wonderful feeling.

He’s wonderful.

Damn you’re really in deep, aren’t you?

The answer is yes. Yes, you are.

Eventually, the conversation shifts and evolves and you lose track of time. You only come back into focus when you hear John’s stomach growl. He blushes and chuckles, and hand going to his neck awkwardly. “Sorry! I should probably go eat!” “Oh yeah. I should too anyway. It was… nice… getting to talk to you I mean.” He smiles wider. “Yeah. It really was. I’ll be back later!” The confirmation that he will be back, that he’ll talk to you again, is amazing. He wants to talk to you again. 

You can’t help but smile as you watch him leave. You lean back in your chair and just stare at the closed door of your bedroom for a while. Even when you finally go back to work you’re smiling and humming to yourself.

You even go out hunting later that night.

Bad choice. 

You had gone out alone that night.

Along the way, you run into him.

Kurloz. 

Only… He looks pissed. Like really full on murder anyone he sees pissed.

You really wish you had finished your rat robots sooner.

He charges straight at you and only with that action to do realize that Meulin isn’t there. If she was he’d be having her attack you instead of attacking you himself no doubt. So where was she? Then you saw it. There was already blood on his clothing and on his mouth. Dried blood. He had killed her, hadn’t he? He must’ve. That’s why she wasn’t here. That’s why he was so enraged. Why his eyes weren’t glowing purple like they always did when she was around. He had killed her out of pure hunger when he was too damaged to come into a populated area, hadn’t he? Oh boy.

This was bad.

You dodged him by just a millimeter as he lunged at you. He hisses at you and you get your sword in front of you. The two of you trade blows for a long time and you rack up quite a few injuries. He does too but you have more and before you know it you’re pinned to a wall with him inches from your face and growling at you. Just as you think this is the end of your life and he’s gonna bite your face off, you feel him tackled off of you, a breeze of air blowing past you at the sheer force of the push. You startle and turn to see Kurloz pinned this time. 

And it’s John whose pinning him.

John Egbert who has a look of pure unbridled rage just as intense as Kurloz’s on his face has Kurloz pinned to the brick wall beside you.

His eyes look like they hold a hurricane inside them with how much wild energy is in them as he growls and bares his teeth at Kurloz who does the same right back and tries to snap at John’s face. He misses and in retaliation John pulls him back by his shirt and then slams him into the wall behind his body forcefully, causing serious and probably permanent damage. You can’t help but stare in shock. You never expected John to be capable of something like this. Like that. You never even thought he could hold as much rage in his body as that of what you saw in his scrunched up expression.

You don’t stare for long, however, having learned that lesson the last times you fought Kurloz finally, and bring your sword back up again before charging forward. As if in sync with you John backs away just in time for you to run Kurloz straight through with your sword. He coughs up blood and he gives you one last growl before John helps you push your sword even further through him and you both watch the glow drain from his eyes before he goes limp on the end of your weapon. Finally dead.

You both pant, John unharmed but tired from his sudden emotions and you injured as well as tired from the fight. You lean back to stand straight but with your shoulders hunched just a bit as you pull your sword from Kurloz’s body, old reopened wounds and new ones alike bleeding all over your body. John watches along with you as Kurloz’s body falls as limp as a ragdoll onto the ground, folding in on itself in weird ways as well. Then he turns to you and before you know what’s going on he’s hugging you tightly. 

“I… I’m so glad you’re ok Dirk…” He murmurs softly against your shoulder. You can’t help but wrap your arms around him in return at the tone of his soft and quiet voice. You can barely even hear him really. It’s so unlike him. “Hey now John everything's alright. Kurloz is dead and I’m ok. A little hurt but overall ok. And I can heal so don’t you worry ok?” He sniffles softly and you hadn’t even known he had been close to crying in this first place and it takes you a bit by surprise because of this but you keep that hidden. “Yeah… Ok Dirk…” “There we go. Now come on John. Let’s get home.”


	8. Confession

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Recovery in many ways leads to no more secrets.

After getting home and getting patched up you find out that John had found out from Dave that you had gone out hunting after he had come to your room again to talk to you some more after getting bored watching movies so he had decided to see if he could come to help you. From there he had walked your normal path and tracked you essentially using what you and Dave had taught him since he moved in with you two until he found you battling Kurloz and instantly jumped in to save your life and interfere in the battle. You would forever be grateful to him for that and you told him so earning you a giggle from him.

“It was nothing Dirk! Of course, I saved you!” You shake your head at him and chuckle as you turn to look down at the floor. “John you could’ve died.” You turn your head back to where he sits beside you to look at his face. “You do realize he would’ve killed you without mercy right? Demon or not he would’ve ended your life for the second time.” John stares down at his hands and his expression softens a bit, his smile not so intense and wide as his lips close and his eyes shut a bit. “Yeah, I know. But I couldn’t just stand there and watch him hurt you, Dirk. I couldn’t just let you die.”

You… You have a response on the tip of your tongue and you had a feeling that was what he would say but all the same, you can’t seem to say what’s on your mind. Can’t seem to comprehend that he couldn’t have left and just let you die because he still had morals.

And because he still cared about you.

So silence falls over you both as you look down again.

Both of you sit side by side on the couch but the TV in front of you is off. The distance between you is small but still enough for it to be platonic rather than romantic snuggling. None of your body touches him but you feel the urge to change that. To shift your leg just a bit to brush against his. To scoot just a bit closer. To wrap an arm around his side and guide his head to your shoulder gently. To hold him and snuggle with him and to just be close to him. To feel his warmth. To feel his skin and clothing against yours. 

To know he loves you just as much as you love him.

Eventually, you speak up again without thinking about your words for once. “Thank you, John.” You don’t turn to look at him but you can hear the shifting as he turns to face you. “For everything you’ve ever done for me.” You can sense his confusion even before he says anything about the topic. “What do you mean Dirk?” “You’ve helped me in a lot of different ways John. Both after and before your death.” It felt weird to say that but what you said next felt even weirder. “Even your death helped I guess. I mean, not that I liked that you died but it’s helped in its own way. I’m almost glad it happened.” You feel dread and regret curl in your stomach when he doesn’t instantly respond and you know you’ve made a mistake with those words. How dare you even suggest his death was a good thing? It was a terrible thing. He died for crying out loud! 

Expect just as your self-hate starts to reach its peak and you can hear nothing but the flurry of words in your head you feel a hand grab yours. “Dirk you’re… You’re shaking…” His voice is quiet and gentle and you can’t help but turn to face him. His eyes are wide and worried as his hand holds yours, his body and head turned towards you vs just your head facing him. The complete and utter concern in his face has your lips turning down even more and faint tears coming to your eyes and now you can feel yourself shake. In a turn of the roles, you had always imagined the two of you taking you are the one to curl your body up into him as he holds you, you practically sitting in his lap. His arms are around you comfortingly and you can hear him shushing you gently as you fight and fail against tears that soon fall down your cheeks. You don’t even know why you’re crying really. Bottled up emotions maybe. Having someone to care for you and protect you instead of you doing it for everyone else probably. Knowing John will be there for you definitely.

You shake and cry in his arms for a while before you calm back down to sniffles, your shaking reducing but not stopping. You wipe away the snot and tears from your eyes and nose respectively before resting your head against his shoulder once more. “You ok Dirk?” John whispers to you. His voice is so soft and gentle and it almost makes you start crying again to know that you’re likely the only person to have ever heard him like that and not like his usual loud and excited self. Instead, you hold it back and nod. “Y-yeah… Sorry, John…” “Hey hey, Dirk, it’s ok you’re allowed to cry sometimes. You don’t always have to hide your emotions.” 

You let out a sob at that but no more tears fall thankfully. The idea that you don’t have to hide your feelings is new to you. You mean, you’ve always kinda known in the back of your mind but Bro had drilled it in so much that you did that you never stopped to actually think about it and stop doing it. And to know that John of all people accepts your emotions good and bad makes your heart clench and do all kinds of flips and tricks inside of your chest. He gently shushes you again and you manage to bring your arms up to wrap around his body, clinging to the fabric of his shirt after you’ve gone as far as you can reach around him. If you’re hurting him at all with how hard you squeeze him he doesn’t mention it. 

Finally, you calm down completely but you don’t want to break away even as your shaking very slowly comes to a stop and John doesn’t move to pull away either. You take the time to breathe in his comforting scent and snuggle into him as close as you can, not knowing if you’ll ever get to be like this with him again or not. He smells sweet but not overly so. Kind of like sugar cookies fresh out of the oven mixed and diluted with some kind of outside fresh air smell you can’t quite place. Like a sunny day on a hill running around on the grass barefoot and laughing. You don’t have any memories like that to go back to with either of those scents but it’s comforting and wonderful anyway.

John speaks first. “I… I think I understand what you meant Dirk.” You tilt your head to the side so you can at least see some of his face, unwilling to break away any more than that quite yet. He’s got his eyes open only halfway as if only having just opened them like you and not wanting to open them any wider as if fearful that it will break the peace you’ve found if he does. His mouth isn’t quite smiling but isn’t frowning either until it picks up just the tiniest amount into a small smile and he chuckles very softly and quietly, as if afraid he might startle you away and out of his arms. “I think I understand a lot about you that I didn’t before I died thanks to this. To all of this. Including my death and change into a demon.”

You cock an eyebrow to ask him to continue but he isn’t looking at you. Luckily he keeps talking anyway. “I never knew about your brother before for example or what he had you do and what happened to him. Or at least I didn’t know the truth about him. And I never knew that you both had known demons existed much less fought them for a living. Hell even after I changed I thought there was no way I was a demon until the hunger forced me to eat human flesh. Then I knew it was true even if I still wished it wasn’t. And I never knew just how much pressure you put on yourself to keep Dave safe as well as to keep everyone else around you safe. And I definitely never knew that you were so scared all the time. So worried. So nervous. So frightened. I never knew how hard you worked yourself and I never knew the damage it was doing to you. I never knew how depressed you were.” 

He leaves it there even if you can tell from his face he’s got more running around in his head than just that. You look away from him and slowly pull back. It doesn’t feel right to hug him as he reminds you of all the things you lied to him about and all the bad things about you he now knows. He looks you directly in the face but you can’t return it, instead staring down at the fabric of the couch. “I’m sorry John…” He looks confused and you look up at him, though you still avoid his eyes like the plague. “What? What are you saying sorry for Dirk?” “For lying to you for so long. For hiding who I was and for hiding everything about me and Dave and lying to you about it all.” He shakes his head and there’s the faintest hint of a half smile before he speaks, face serious. “Dirk you have nothing to say sorry for. You hear me? Nothing. I understand. You wanted to keep me safe and happy. I… I honestly am really glad you kept all this hidden from me for so long even if now I wouldn’t trade what it’s taught me for the world. It showed you cared about me and that… That’s what’s important Dirk. That’s what matters. You tried to protect me even if it didn’t work forever. And failing is ok too. All that matters is that you tried and now I understand you much better than I ever did before.” 

You finally meet his eyes again and he holds so much warmth in them, so much care, that it melts you inside. He’s half smiling at you again and it’s almost as good as his wide laughing grins. And if you didn’t know any better you’d say he’s blushing a bit.

It’s adorable and charming beyond belief and you love it.

You love him.

“Just no more secrets ok Dirk?” His hands are on your arms now as he looks directly into your eyes and you look away but nod. He senses that there must be something up and his hands shift down until they are gripping both of your hands. You look down at that and blush a bit from where you crouch on the couch just centimeters from him as he sits, body twisted to face you and one leg swung about halfway onto the couch. You look back up at him again and he speaks after holding your gaze for a few moments. “Promise me you won’t hide anything from me anymore?” Something about the concern and worry mixed with care and dare you say love in his eyes makes you nod again, more sincerely this time, before speaking. “I… Yeah John. Course. No more secrets. But if that’s a new rule then there’s something I have to tell you.”

You aren’t in control of your mouth anymore and you’re not sure if that’s a good or bad thing as he gives you a nod to continue. “I… I love you, John.” Your voice is quiet, nearly a mumble, and you look down again nervously. Because of this you don’t see the way his face lights up until there’s a pause, just long enough of one for you to start panicking, before he tackles you and you get a brief glimpse of it before your back is against the couch and he’s got his arms wrapped around you like a death grip. He’s giggling his ass off and he’s got the biggest goofiest grin you’ve ever seen on him, which is really saying something, on his face and his eyes, which no doubt are sparkling like the ocean or a diamond, are squeezed shut tightly with excitement. You’re so shocked by his sudden tackle that all you can think to do for a good couple moments is stare at him as he giggles.

Then you finally come back to your senses and hug him back, just in time to hear him manage to mutter through his giggles. “God yes Dirk I love you too I wish I had known sooner yes.” You can’t help but grin and chuckle gently, eyes falling partly shut. You don’t care that some of your injuries pulse with pain at the sudden and rough movement. You just care that John Egbert loves you back. That’s all that will ever matter to you.

Ever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew, now that was one hell of a story! I hate to see it go but at the same time, it's always good a feeling to finish a story and move on to the next one. Anyway just thought I'd let you guys know that while this story is over I have other stories up to read and I'll still be writing and posting it here pretty often and on top of that I have a request book for you all to request what I should write so if you guys want more of anything you can go ahead and request it there!


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